Cooking Up Disasters, Literally
by qqc924
Summary: These are the tales of the many brave characters of ME... And their each indivisual cooking... Involves Arwen baking fruit cakes, Legolas making french fries, Gandalf brewing herbal tea, and many other! (disasters)
1. Arwen's Fruit Cake

**Disclaimer: I, in no way own any of the characters, items, locations, or any other things that may concern The Lord of The Rings. They belong to whomever it may concern now. This goes for all future chapters...**

* * *

Chapter One: Arwen's Fruit Cake

* * *

One day, well, the day before Arwen's beloved husband Aragorn's birthday, Arwen decided that the cakes out there were simply detestable. Now, we probably think there was no birthday cake back in there time, but there _was_. Or at least pretend so. 

Anyhow, Arwen decided that she herself should make the cake!!! So off she went, gliding from cupboard to cupboard, gathering all of her ingredients for her fruitcake. She grabbed bags of flour, sticks of butter, and cups of sugar, and of course, fruits!

So off she went, stirring and baking, and of course, adding in all of those fruits. It looked absolutely flawless, beautiful layers of pure white vanilla frosting. Little fruits covering the top…

-X- One Day Later… -X-

"Happy birthday my dear!" Arwen gushed as she pecked him lightly on the lips. "I have baked a special cake, just for you!" She smiled.

"Ah… I believe it would be absolutely delicious!" Smiled back Aragorn, COMPLETELY oblivious to Arwen's cooking, seeing the cooks had always, well, cooked!!!

So the feast started. And followed was Arwen's birthday cake for her beloved Aragorn.

"Arwen, I never knew you could cook so well!" Exclaimed Aragorn, observing Arwen's work.

"But you have yet to taste it!" Laughed Arwen, cutting him a slice.

Aragorn incautiously took a fine silver fork, and ate a bit of the cake, stopping in mid-chew.

He looked as if he was very mystified by what was in the cake, but nonetheless, there was no choking, or throwing up involved. Instead, he swallowed. Wow.

"Arwen, might I ask what you put in the, uh, splendid cake?" Aragorn asked.

"Oh! Fruits of course!" Arwen told him. "You know, tomatoes, maize, green peppers, pumpkins…" She went on and on naming all of those _fruits_ some of us mistake for vegetables. Aragorn and the rest of the guests just looked at her with widened eyes. Not because they learned what was in the cake, they had been force to eat the cake, or the Lady might be very upset. And an upset Arwen meant a stressed Aragorn. And a stressed Aragorn meant, well…


	2. Boromir's Chicken Soup

Chapter Two: Boromir's Chicken Soup

* * *

It was that time of the year when people generally got colds, flues, etc. Yes, that's right, winter had befallen Minas Tirith. In fact, (even though it would be highly unlikely) a big blizzard had just hit the city in which we all love very much. Well, at least Boromir did.

You see, Boromir, being him and all, was immune to many of these yearly sicknesses, just like a boy of his standards should be. And yes, right now, little Boromir was all but a small nine-year-old child, or as small as a nine-year-old child was those days.

However, his younger brother, poor little five-year-old Faramir was down with a nasty cold. Boromir, pitying his little brother just because no one else would, decided to make him chicken noodle soup!!! Except the only problem was, his father had told him countless times that he was _not_ allowed to play with knives of _any_ sort.

Regardless of this, Boromir set to work. Unlike Arwen in the previous chapter, Boromir knew what was supposed to be in what he was making, namely: noodles and chicken, duh. Of course, he did add a little of everything else, like bits of carrots and corn and other things that may concern that. All in all, Boromir did fairly well for a nine-year-old boy that he was.

But now came the biggest challenge yet, seeing if little Faramir would enjoy what he made.

Slowly and carefully, Boromir opened Faramir's bedroom door and cautiously went inside.

"Oh, Faramir! Look what I made!" Boromir said cheerily, presenting him with his steaming soup.

"Oh, hello (achoo) Boromir." Faramir sniffed as he greeted his brother. His face was rather pale and his sheets were all messed up and several tissues were at the edge of his bed.

"Here! Try some of this soup I made!" Boromir smiled.

Faramir gratefully took the soup into his cold hands and took a sip before he could sneeze again. Little by little, Faramir drained the whole bowl, Boromir watching him do so.

"Th-th- (achoo) thanks…" Faramir thanked his brother as he handed him back the empty bowl.

"Is it really that good?!" Boromir questioned excitedly. And his father said boys shouldn't cook! Tch.

"Uh-huh, because you put sugar in it, not salt, and I've been dying for something sweet ever since I wasn't allowed to have it." Faramir told him with a happy grin. Boromir stopped celebrating inside and slapped his forehead.

"Gee, thanks for ruining my moment, Faramir…" Boromir sighed, but he was still happy nonetheless.

"Anytime, anytime."


	3. Sams' Lembas

Chapter Three: Sam's _Lembas_

* * *

One day, seeing that Sam might be the only fully qualified cook as we so seen in the book and movies, he attempted to make the hardest thing yet: _Lembas_. Now I'm sure there are many other qualified cooks, like some of the elves, and maybe that random person in Gondor, but that's beside the point.

So off our good Sam went, clueless to as what he was making, seeing that the fair Lady Galadriel had never given him the recipe. Well, actually, Sam never asked, but, once again, that's beside the point.

First, Sam tried to recall the taste of _Lembas_. Obviously, the first thingy was 'sweet', but with a natural taste. He decided on honey. The rest was quite simple. It was bread, (or something in that category) so obviously it called for flour and all that jazz.

So off Samwise went, stirring, stirring, and baking, and…

"Well, I reckon it might be as good as the real thing!" Sam laughed, breaking off a piece. The first batch was done, and the second was in the oven. "Now if I only had some of those leaves they were wrapped in…" He sighed as he popped the piece into his mouth.

He chewed slowly, trying to see if he got it right. It tasted something like _Lembas_, but in reality, Sam knew it just wasn't the real thing. No, the _Lembas_ the fair Lady Galadriel had presented to them all the way back in Lothlórien (Or Laurelindórenan or Lórien for even shorter, but once _again_, that's beside the point.) had some sort of elfish ingredient. He was so sure of that now.

But being the master chef in the cook he was, he decided that he shall find thy recipe!!! So off Samwise went, actually traveling to Lothlórien had come across his mind before he realized that there was no way he was actually going to attempt that.

Saddened and dejected, Samwise returned to the kitchen… That was now on fire.

You see, Sam had forgotten about the second batch, and since he did grease the pans a bit heavier than usual, the pans kind of were set ablaze. And yes, that can happen, because it seemingly did to me with fish thingies and a toaster oven, except it was only ablaze for a second of course, no major damage.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! MY OVEN!!!!!" Sam whimpered as he quickly poured water on his stove. "I just hope Rosie doesn't find out about this!"

"Find out about what, Samwise Gamgee?"


	4. Legolas' French Fries

Chapter Four: Legolas' French Fries

* * *

One day, while digging out his freezer, Legolas discovered a bag of frozen French fries! Now, I'm pretty sure that they did not have any freezers of anything of that such back in Middle Earth, but I insist, they _did_, or at least pretend so anyhow.

Anyways, Legolas was absolutely intrigued about this mysterious packet, but it was in the freezer, so he thought it might as well be edible. There was a label that told you cooking instructions, so he was pretty sure now that it wasn't some sort of wild experiment or anything.

"Let's see…" He began. "Oil… dump in the whole bag…" And Legolas did. Now I'm sure they didn't have any stoves back in Middle Earth, but as before, they _did_, or at least pretend so anyhow.

And Legolas did just that; oblivious that he read the instructions wrong and added a little too much oil. You couldn't blame him though, it was written not in his language, and he could easily have over sited things.

"Okay… oil will boil… Hmm… I think I added a little too much… Oh, what's this? Caution: do not over use oil, or beware of boiling oil that may come in contact of you if too close…" Legolas realized what he was reading. Although I never fried any French fries in my life, I do know that the oil does have a tendency to spring up and hit you. From past experiences like that except with really big incense sticks, very hot things _hurts_.

"OH NO!" Legolas gasped as he ran out of the room and locked the door; just in time to hear a big crackle and the sound of boiling oil with French fries erupt. "Good thing Father just left to meet someone two hours ago…" He sighed in relief as he decided to see what happened to the kitchen, but first he decided that he really needed to wash his hands because he did not like to have just touched some icky potatoes, even though he didn't know that.

-X- After Legolas has washed his hands -X-

Slowly, Legolas crept back into the kitchen. It was quite a disaster. Everything was a bit singed in oil, but the French fries… Surprisingly, the French fries weren't burnt up in ashes, having leapt out of the pan along with the oil and now laid scattered around the floor.

Sighing, and figuring that he might as well punish himself for his carelessness, Legolas popped some French fries into his mouth, hoping they tasted bad so he would remind himself NEVER to do that AGAIN. Unfortunately for him, they tasted better than he though, despite the fact that they were littered over the floor and must have been covered by billions of eubacteria. So poor Legolas made it a task that he would clean up every bit of mess he had made.

"Now I know why Father said Elfish was a far better language than all the rest…" He sighed as he went and retrieved a sponge. Not before he had eaten all of the French fries first. Like they always say, you should never waste good, er, bad food… Something like that…

So now concludes another highly unlikely chapter…


	5. Gandalf's Herbal Tea

Chapter Five: Gandalf's Herbal Tea

* * *

One day, just because that's how I always like to start things, Gandalf found that he was in desperate need for herbal tea. Why? I don't know!

Anyhow, seeing that the Company was fast asleep and Gandalf was on guard, he decided that it was best to brew it around this time because Gandalf did NOT want to share his beloved tea with anyone else.

Gandalf, unlike all the people beforehand, had brewed herbal tea beforehand, so off into his pack he went looking for his precious tealeaves.

"Come to Gandalf, my precious tealeaves!" Gandalf whispered. Why, he had just made a joke. A very sappy joke might some add, but that's not the point trying to be put across.

No, the point trying to be put across is that Gandalf had found out that he didn't have any herbal tealeaves left! And since he was just _dying_ for herbal tea, Gandalf had silently snuck into everyone else's bags and satchels of that sort, just _hoping_ that someone had carried some herbal tea.

First he went into the Legolas' stuff, seeing that above all others, he would most likely be carrying that sort of things, even though it would be like 1 versus 99. But it was better odds than others, like Gimli, who would probably be like 0.1 versus 99.9.

Anyhow, Gandalf did not find anything labeled 'herbal', only random elf stuff that only elves could find use for. I mean, not even Gandalf would know what to do with a miniature shovel key chain (which you know that really wouldn't exist around that time) besides digging a miniature hole.

Next he went into Aragorn's pack, seeing if the master of herb-lore or however you spell it had some herbal tea stuff. Now Gandalf wondered why he didn't go see Aragorn first, and he soon realized why when he opened his stuff.

Frowning, Gandalf tossed out all of the 'Arwen' stuff, only to find a lot of herbs that didn't really good taste. Sighing, he gave up on Aragorn, and decided it was too much of a burden to go find some good quality herbal tealeaves.

Then Gandalf realized something. How could he have been so stupid?! He just remembered that he had a small pouch of herbal tealeaves right inside his pocket, er, cloak, um… under his hat? Anyhow, the point is, Gandalf had found some herbal tealeaves!!!

-X- After Gandalf had successfully brewed his herbal tea -X-

Aragorn was the first to stir, Legolas following just moments after. The others were still asleep, and they made no sign of waking them, for dawn had not yet plastered the sky yet. Instead, they made it quick to notice that a certain someone had been through their stuff.

"Why, who _dared_ touch my beloved charm my dear mother bestowed upon me?!" Legolas gasped, seeing that his so-called shovel key chain was out of its place.

Aragorn, befuddled by how all of his 'Arwen' stuff got shifted around, went over to Legolas' side to see his 'charm'.

"It looks more like a shovel to me…" He noted.

Legolas took a sharp breath. "It is a shovel you mortal's eye… But to us Elves, it's much, much more…" And that's a riddle not even Aragorn could solve. It was a shovel to him, plain and simple… just miniaturized.

After much fretting and such, Legolas and Aragorn turned to a happy tea-sipping Gandalf, acting like he always was, no sign of guilt.

"Did you see anything that may have caused this, Gandalf?" Aragorn asked.

"Why, no. I don't think any servants of our foes would be interested in your 'Arwen' stuff." Gandalf said. What a slip of the tongue.

"Gandalf, why did you search our things? Are we not trusted in your eyes?!" Legolas asked, slightly getting annoyed.

"Why, of course not! It's just that I was trying to find some herbal tealeaves, for then I did not realized I had some on myself!" Gandalf answered, still sipping his tea.

Aragorn looked at Legolas. Legolas looked at Aragorn. Gandalf Looked at Aragon. Gandalf looked at Legolas. Legolas and Aragorn looked at the herbal tea in Gandalf's hands. You can guess what happened next.

"ARAGORN! LEGOLAS! MY TEA!!!"


	6. Gimli's Boiling Water

Chapter Six: Gimli's Water

* * *

Even though it would be MOST wrong for a dwarf not to know how to boil water, poor Gimli didn't.

You've got to give the guy a break though, I mean, he WAS only three and a half after all. The most he could do with fire was sneezing on it to put it out. Hey, what did you expect from him at that age?

But one rainy day, while Gimli's parents were out doing something, Gimli got hungry, really, _really_, _REALLY_, hungry. Don't ask me how Gimli got that hungry, I don't know.

Anyhow, Gimli realized that there was a last bowl of instant noodle in the cupboard. Now, I'm sure there weren't any instant noodles in Middle Earth, but they _did_, or at least pretend so.

Back to the point, Gimli realized that he was in desperate need for something to eat, so after a lot of jumping, a lot of falling, a lot of groaning, Gimli finally reached the bowl of instant noodles.

"Why are there so many squiggles?!" Gimli pouted as he saw all of those runes printed onto the paper bowl.

Then Gimli began to think, and think, and think. Then he remembered that he needed water, really, _really_, _REALLY_ hot water in order to make them. So after dumping in all of the ingredients that the noodles came with, Gimli got some water from the well, (much trouble may I add) and looked around for matches.

Gimli wasn't the average dwarf, he was quite smart. After singing his beard three times and dumping the water on himself twice, Gimli managed to get the water over a fire.

Now it was most inconvenient, for by then Gimli realized that he was boiling water… in his parent's room. However, eager to soothe his hunger, Gimli waited for the fire to boil…

-X- After the water began to bubble -X-

"Oh! Oh!" Gimli cried in excitement. The water had begun to boil!!! But then Gimli sadly realized that he had no way of getting it out of the fire without one, burning himself, and two, boiling himself, or three, burning AND boiling himself. So instead, being the smart dwarf he was, he dumped the bowl of instant noodles into the boiling water.

Well, actually, that's what he _would_ have done, but by then, all the water had boiled away, and it began to get smoky, very, very smoky…

"OH NO! THE EVIL FORCE HAD COME BACK!!! Gimli hollered, for he DID learn about Sauron and how dark it was and such, so poor Gimli mistook smoke for a force that he shall eventually help destroy.

And then, Gimli's parent came in…

"Good job, Gimli! You just succeeded in making a fire, AND boiling a water!" Glóin congratulated him. "Not to mention destroying my favorite bed sheet!"

Silence…

"But I was hungry!!!" Whimpered Gimli.


	7. Faramir's Hot Chocolate

Chapter Seven: Faramir's Hot Chocolate

* * *

Feeling in great dept of his older brother, Faramir decided that he should return the favor. So one day when their father was out of town, um, city, Faramir grabbed a chair and went through the cupboards.

"Oh! This looks yummy, and so does this… oh! I never knew we had corn syrup!!!" As you can see, Faramir was just fascinated by all he had found, but he had to sadly put them away as he began brewing his brother what he was suppose to be making: hot chocolate.

-X- After Faramir had finished brewing his brother's hot chocolate! –X-

"Boromir! Lookie what I made!!!" Faramir said in a singsong voice. Boromir, who was miserably reading because he had been commanded so, looked up at his brother.

"What?" Inquired Boromir, more than happy to have been detained to his reading. At least now he had a scapegoat to blame if his father found out that he didn't finished his book.

"I made hot chocolate for you!!!" Faramir told him. Boromir smiled and shook his head sadly. Last time he tried to make something, he ended up burning his hair and had to have him save poor Faramir. He dumped a jar of corn syrup over his head…

"Oh boy…" Boromir sighed, but nonetheless, he took what Faramir had made, and took a tiny sip.

"Well? Well?" Faramir asked excitedly.

"It's really good, if you add sugar, not salt."


End file.
